Mystery Science Theater 889
It has always been one of my minor dreams to give an Earth 2 episode the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. During the G889 Revisited gathering in New Mexico in July 2006, I was able to do this.
I wrote a script in which one man and one woman riff on the Earth 2 episode "The Enemy Within." I voiced the man's part, Ashley played the woman's part, and we performed it for the others who were with us on that trip.
I highly doubt there will be another Earth 2 gathering for some time, and even if there is, I don't anticipate performing this script again. (If the chance ever arises again, I'll just riff on a new episode.) Therefore, I'm posting it as fan fiction. Feel free to pop in the episode in question and follow along.
If you were associated with Earth 2 and I make fun of your writing or your acting, please understand that it's because I love you, really.
I left my name and Ashley's name in the script, since we were the performers, and because it looks better than the generic Man and Woman designations which I had originally.
The script assumes that the episode being screened is on the official DVD.
The MST889 performers’ dialog and directions are in bold face.
Some lines by the MST889 performers will need to be spoken quickly because the break in dialog doesn’t last long. These lines will be denoted with the letter Q in brackets.
Sometimes it will be necessary to speak a little more loudly in order to speak over a line of dialog or some other sound coming from the TV screen. In these cases, the line spoken by the MST889 performer will be denoted with the letter L in brackets.
Not every line from the episode will be included in the following script, only the ones leading up to an MST889 performer’s dialog. When a section of the story is skipped, the omitted section will be denoted by a break of five dashes.
Mystery Science Theater 889
does
Earth 2: "The Enemy Within"
The Universal pre-title sequence begins. The Earth appears on screen. Rainbow colors start shooting out of it.
Doug: Whoa, what’s happening to the world?
Ashley: Everyone’s turning on all the lights at once.
Doug: Oh, so that’s why the Earth became uninhabitable.
Ashley: It’s all Universal’s fault.
Doug: Yeah, but we already knew that.
The Universal web site appears on the screen.
Ashley (pointing to one side of the screen): I can see their space station!
Doug: It’s only a model.
Ashley: Shush.
Voice of Devon: "Previously, on Earth 2."
Ashley [Q]: In case you missed it.
Julia: "Julia Heller, initial check-in."
Julia’s face appears on screen.
Doug [L]: It’s Steffi Graf!
-----
Julia: My mission for the Council was clear when it began.
Ashley [L]: I was the librarian.
Ulysses, lying on a cot, slides into a cryogenic chamber.
Julia: Back on the space station, as a doctor, I was the perfect choice to watch this group of families seeking a cure for their sick children.
Doug [Q]: Good move. Uly does need a tanning booth.
Julia: Without Council clearance, we escaped the stations…
Ashley [Q]: With lots of stolen library books.
Julia: …and traveled 22 light years to this new planet.
Doug: That’s a long way to go just to open a new McDonald’s.
Ashley: Yeah, I know.
-----
Julia: On the ridge!
Ashley [Q]: It’s the perfect place for our new McDonald’s!
-----
Ulysses is running along, looking behind him, and runs into the Terrian.
Ashley & Doug (deadpan): Ouch.
-----
Julia: I have a Council contact here.
Doug: Of course you do.
Reilly: Citizen Heller.
Julia: We meet in virtual reality.
Ashley: Uh huh.
Reilly: We’ll dispense with the formalities.
Doug: Sure.
Julia: The Council plans to colonize this planet for itself…
Ashley: Ooooooookay.
Julia: …and believes they need to control this special boy.
Doug: Special boy, got it.
Julia and Devon laugh in the rain.
Julia: My mission is still clear. The only problem is me.
Ashley: And the rain.
Julia: I’ve been changed by this place, too. Become a part of this group, in spite of myself.
Ashley: They made me the backup bass guitarist.
The screen shows the old west town in virtual reality.
Ashley & Doug (excited): New Pacifica! It’s New Pacifica! Oh, New Pacifica! We’ve reached New Pacifica!
<Pause.>
Ashley (excitement gone): Looks kind of brown.
Doug: Yeah, it does.
Three VR "pistol shots" are heard.
Jesse James: Everyone, get down on the floor!
Ashley: Um, were those gunshots?
Doug (highly amused): I think so!
Ulysses: Hold it right there, boys!
The screen shows Jesse James’ brother lazily "whip" his gun around. The actor can’t seem to decide where to aim it.
Doug (excited): Where is he?!?!
Doug (suddenly bored, as the actor’s gun moves back to center): Oh, there he is.
Ulysses slowly raises his head to reveal his face.
Ashley: Clint Eastwood finally shaved his stubble.
Ulysses: You and your brother picked the wrong town to rob, Jesse.
True: Sheriff, you made it!
Jesse looks at his brother. His brother lazily turns to look back at Ulysses.
Doug: Is he on cold medicine?
Ashley: Somethin’.
Ulysses kills him.
<The next line coincides with the precise moment that he is hurled backwards through the window (it does not coincide with the gunshot itself).>
Doug: Ah-choo!
<Pause long enough to let the sound effects die away.>
Ashley: Well, he doesn’t have to worry about it any more.
-----
Close-up of Ulysses’s eyes.
Doug: My acting’s better than your acting.
Close-up of Jesse’s eyes.
Doug: No, my acting’s better than your acting.
Close-up of Ulysses’s eyes.
Doug: No, my acting’s better than your acting.
Cut to True.
Ashley: My acting’s better than both of you!
-----
True: Nice work, shortball. You almost got us killed!
Doug (amazed): What did she call him?
-----
Voice of Devon: Okay guys, time out!
Doug (looking up): God’s a woman!
Ashley [L]: I always knew it.
-----
Devon: Hey guys, no more VR!
Doug: You mean that wasn’t really an old west town?!
Ashley [L]: Sorry to disappoint you.
Doug [L]: I want my money back.
-----
Julia: It’s been 49 days since we crashed.
Ashley: In dog years.
Julia: It amazes me how we’ve adjusted to life on this strange new planet.
Doug (deep voice) [Q]: Hey, who are you callin’ "strange", human?
Julia: Every day has become a mirror of the last. We travel, we set up camp, try and catch some rest…
Ashley: …play a joke on Morgan…
Julia: …then we wake and travel again.
Doug: All for just $49.95 a day! Book your G889 tour with Terrian Travel today!
Julia hears her communicator and looks down at her bag.
Ashley: Oh, I hate it when people’s cell phones go off!
Doug: Yeah, I know, it’s so rude!
Communicator: Respond immediately!
Julia: And now, every day, I have to guard my secret.
<The next line must be spoken so that the final few words coincide with the appearance of Danziger squatting by the dunerail’s tire.>
Doug: Lonely for a woman, Danziger turns to the dunerail for comfort.
Danziger is squatting by the dunerail, working on a flat tire.
True: Dad, what’s that white stuff over there?
Ashley: Uh, True, you’re not old enough to know about that, yet, honey.
Danziger: Where?
True: See right there?
Danziger: Oh, yeah, look at that. Well, True-girl, I think that’s what happens to rain when it freezes.
Doug [L]: Or when it heats up – I could never keep that straight.
Danziger: We used to call that snow back on Earth. Somethin’ like that.
Julia’s feet walk over the snow.
Doug: Ooh, nice segue.
Ashley: Yeah.
Julia attaches the VR gear over her eyes.
Julia: Reilly, it’s Heller. Entering VR.
Ashley: Does Batman know his binoculars are missing?
Doug: Eh, probably not.
Reilly: It’s been some time.
Ashley: Uh, that sounds like a personal problem, Reilly.
Julia: Checked in as soon as I could.
Reilly: I was beginning to get worried.
Julia: I’m fully capable of taking care of myself.
Ashley [L]: I come with two double-A batteries already installed.
Reilly: Yes, I suppose you are. But all this would be so much easier if you would simply tell me your location.
Doug [L]: That’s no way to win at Battleship.
-----
Julia: I’m the doctor, here. The only doctor. Yes, I care about their well-being.
Cut to Reilly.
Ashley [L]: It’s Jean-Luc Picard’s evil twin.
Julia: I have a responsibility.
Reilly: You have an obligation, citizen, to your heritage. Don’t forget that. You are one of us: a product of the Council. Your mother did great things as a member.
Doug [L]: She brought us doughnuts every day.
Reilly: So could you.
Julia: By telling you where we are.
Reilly: There’s that word again!
Doug [L]: I’m gonna wash your mouth out with soap.
Julia: What word?
Reilly: We. Us. You’re identifying yourself with them.
Julia: Look, I don’t know what more I can do.
Ashley [L]: Was this conversation edited out of order?
Julia: My resources are very limited.
Reilly: Humanity needs a new home, Heller, and you are living there!
Doug: Squatter.
Reilly: In Ulysses, you’ve found a possible bridge between Humans and Terrians, and now you need to help us cross it.
Doug [Q]: But it’s a toll bridge.
Reilly: We’re all depending on you. You must tell me where you are, so that we can come and collect the child.
Ashley [Q]: But you just said no one was coming after anyone!
Doug [Q] [L]: Don’t quibble with the villain!
Reilly: Who knows, when you do, maybe the Council will name an entire continent after your family.
Julia: Yeah. Maybe they’ll call it "Hell."
Doug: Ooh, nice comeback.
<Opening credits begin. MST889 performers keep talking without pause.>
Ashley: But the character’s name was originally supposed to be Julia Stern.
Doug: Hmmm. Kind of makes you wonder what that line used to be. (Mimics Reilly.) Maybe the Council will name an entire continent after your family!
Ashley (mimicking Julia): Yeah. Maybe they’ll call it "Stern."
<Pause. Then both speak at the same time.>
Doug: Nah, doesn’t quite have that kick to it. Glad they changed that one.
Ashley: No, no, that doesn’t work.
<Pause.>
Ashley: Oh! Oh! How about…how about…(Mimics Julia.) Yeah. Maybe they’ll call it "Baltimore."
<Pause.>
Doug: No.
Ashley: No?
Doug: No.
<If the above exchange is timed correctly, the screen should be seconds away from showing Ulysses running, silhouetted against the sun.>
Doug: Ooh, nice sunset!
Ashley: Thanks, I made it myself.
Doug: Did you?
Ashley: Remember? God’s a woman.
Doug: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
The words "J. Madison Wright as True Danziger" appear.
Doug: J. Madison Wright as True Danziger.
Ashley: And Ken Lay as her brother, False.
The screen shows the "Created by" credits.
Doug: Created by this person -
Ashley: - and these people!
Yale walks on camera.
Doug: Sullivan is determined to get some face time here.
Julia: I’m Doctor Julia Heller.
Ashley: Yep.
Julia: I’m a member of the Eden Project.
Doug: Sure you are.
Julia: And to this group, I’m the physician.
Ashley: Whatever, sweetie.
Julia: But 22 light years away, back where I came from, back on the space stations, I’m something else.
Ashley: A rock star!
Julia: I’m a patriot to the Council. The Council is in my blood.
Doug: Like bacteria?
Julia: My mother was on the Council’s board of regents since before I was born.
Ashley [L]: In charge of doughnuts.
Ulysses practices ju-jitsu through the campsite.
Julia: And I was taught to put the Council’s goals before all else.
Ashley: Is Uly doing ballet?
Doug: It’s Tai-Chi, I think.
-----
Morgan: Well, are you sure these woods are the best place to camp?
Doug (dark, mysterious voice) [L]: They say that a psycho with a hook for a hand lives in these woods.
Ashley [L]: Oooh. So scared.
-----
Morgan: I gotta update the maintenance schedule on all three of these babies.
Morgan touches the dunerail.
Danziger: Hey!
Doug: Hey! Hands off my woman!
-----
Danziger: You mean, you’re keeping records for these people that tried to blow up our ship?
Doug [L]: No, I can sell the records on Ebay.
-----
Morgan: There will be certain bureaucrats waiting for my paperwork.
<The following lines should be spoken over Morgan’s final word, "Sorry.">
Ashley: But they don’t use paper in the future!
Doug: Argh! He touches my dunerail- I mean, my woman, he touches my shoulder, gosh!
Ashley: Oooh! Cooties!
-----
Julia: All medical activity is logged on gear and dated chronologically.
Ashley & Doug: Plot point! Plot point!
Morgan: Ah! Excellent, Dr. Heller.
Morgan and Julia look at each other for a moment before Morgan walks away.
Ashley: And they look into each other’s eyes and fall in love.
<Pause.>
Ashley: Maybe not.
Cut to Danziger working on the dunerail.
Doug: Danziger always ends up with these high-maintenance women.
Danziger: Okay, Zero, work here is done.
Zero: Yes, sir.
Danziger: Uly, watch out!
Zero drops the dunerail and Danziger tackles Uly out of the way.
Doug [L]: And Danziger takes out Ulysses at the 45, and it looks like they’ll have to punt.
Danziger: You okay, buddy?
Ulysses: Yeah.
Danziger: Yeah? Just hold still.
Ashley [L]: Zero’s thinking, "Dammit, I almost killed Uly! But don’t worry, I’ll get him next time."
Devon runs up.
Devon: What happened?
Ulysses: It was an accident, Mom.
Danziger: Yeah, just got a little too close for comfort.
Devon: Yeah, well, it’s bleeding.
Julia: It’s not serious. I can take care of it right here.
Doug: As opposed to taking him to the county hospital down the road.
Julia: Are you all right?
Ulysses: Yeah.
Devon: Are you sure?
Ulysses: Uh huh.
Danziger: Yeah, he’s a tough guy.
Ashley: This is apparently the most fascinating leg cut in the history of the universe.
Doug [L]: Yeah, I know. Hell, I’m fascinated by it!
Ashley [L]: No, you’re not.
-----
Julia: And the war inside me intensifies.
Doug (deep, mellow voice): So Dr. Heller’s insides have called upon Jimmy Carter and Jesse Jackson to mediate a peace agreement. We now rejoin our regularly scheduled programming. I’m Tom Brokaw.
-----
Reilly: I’m not used to visits in such rapid succession.
Doug [Q]: Plus, I was in the shower.
Reilly: Why so urgent, citizen?
Julia: I’ve been thinking-
Reilly: About securing the boy for me, I hope.
Ashley (looking around): Um, what’s buzzing? (Referring to the buzzing noises.)
Julia: I’ve been thinking that Uly isn’t the answer to the Council’s goals.
Ashley [L]: A healthy diet is.
Reilly: Ah. So, you really are going soft.
Doug: Is there a bug-zapper in there with them? (Referring to the buzzing noises.)
Reilly: Sweet Julia doesn’t want to rip the boy from his mother’s tender embrace.
Julia: I think if Uly is just a vessel,
Doug [Q]: A ship?
Julia: if the Terrians have changed him, the evidence will be in his DNA.
Ashley [Q]: And his haircut.
Julia: If I can isolate a strand of it, we could introduce it into another bloodstream.
Reilly: Another bloodstream?
Julia: Mine!
Doug: No, mine!
Ashley: No, mine!
Reilly: So you would be the link with the Terrians instead of the boy?
Julia: The boy is only eight years old. He’s completely spoiled. He’s wrapped around his mother’s finger. You’re gonna entrust him with the Council’s future relations with the Terrians?
Ashley: Sure!
Julia: When it could be me?
Doug: No, me!
Ashley: No, me!
Julia: I wanna do it.
Doug: Oooh, conversation’s gettin’ sexyyyyyyyy.
Reilly: You really think it’ll work?
Julia: I don’t know for sure, but I’m willing to take that risk.
Reilly: And you’re asking me to trust you.
Ashley: Definitely getting sexy.
Julia: What choice do you have?
Cut to Reilly.
Doug: You know, I really like the way they’ve updated Max Headroom for the 21st century.
Ashley: Yeah, I know, it looks great.
Reilly: Be careful, citizen. It would be a shame to lose you.
Reilly turns around and disappears into a white light.
Ashley: You know, Touched by an Angel’s had a definite edge to it, lately.
Doug: It’s just not the same show it used to be.
The screen begins to go dark, where the commercial break used to be.
Doug: Let’s play "Name the funny-looking objects."
The campsite appears and the camera pans across it.
Ashley (pointing at the tall silver tower): Disco ball.
Doug (points): Cone.
Ashley (points): Cone.
Doug (points): Cone.
The screen shows a dirty red object which pops a canister out of its surface.
Ashley (points): And that walking trash can from the Jawa sandcrawler.
The camera follows Julia as she walks across the campsite. In the foreground, some people sit by the fire.
Ashley: My name is Eben. I have no lines. Please look at me.
Julia: Uly? Uly? Uh, sorry, I was looking for Uly.
Doug: Funny. It sounded like she was calling for Sebastian.
Devon: He’s out with Zero. Is, uh, something wrong?
Julia: No, I was just gonna check the dressing on the cut.
Doug: What kind of dressing?
Ashley: Thousand Island.
-----
Julia: No, just...do what you’re doing. Not important that you be there.
Devon: Okay.
Cut to Julia, then cut back to Devon as Devon begins to sit down.
Ashley: I must get my face on camera one more time...now. There we go.
Ulysses: I hate shots!
Doug [L]: Actually, in the 22nd century, shots should be pretty painless, kid.
Julia: I know. But you’re such a brave boy. Whatever happened to you when you were with the Terrians certainly changed you.
Ulysses: Uh huh. That’s what I’ve told everybody. But no one believes me.
Doug [Q]: Actually, since they cured you, everyone believes you.
Julia: I believe you. Do you think you’re becoming part Terrian?
Ashley: Can you bark like a seal?
Julia: Do they talk to you when you’re dreaming?
Ulysses: Yeah! They take me to different planets and stuff!
Julia: They do? Other planets, huh?
Doug: Like Wallyworld.
Ulysses: Yeah. They let me pick what games we play. They let me be the sherriff.
Julia: Oh, be serious, now, Uly.
Ulysses: They teach me ju-jitsu, and let me eat all the ice cream I want.
Ashley [L]: So G889 is like the mother of all day-care centers.
Doug [L]: Totally cool.
Julia: Now you’re making things up.
Ulysses: I’m not making things up. The Terrians are really cool.
Julia: Do you want to find out if you’re really part Terrian?
Ulysses: Yeah!
Julia: ‘Cause there’s a test I can do to find out.
Doug (whiny): I hate tests!
Julia: But we wouldn’t tell anybody until we know for sure. Then we could tell the whole group, okay?
Ulysses: Okay!
Julia: Okay.
Doug: Okay.
Ashley: Okay.
Julia injects Ulysses with something.
Doug: The discordant music informs me that evil is afoot.
Ashley: Heeppocratic Oath? We don’t need no steenking Heeppocratic Oath!
Cut to a shot panning down onto Bess’s tent.
Doug: The beautiful music informs me that something good is happening.
Bess exits her tent and raises her hands as fists, as if she’s about to stretch.
Ashley: I feel like stretching.
Bess doesn’t stretch after all.
Ashley: Well, maybe not.
Bess stops to touch a tree.
Doug: Careful, Bess, all the trees on this world also know ju-jitsu.
The camera pans down to show Alonzo getting water from the creek.
Ashley: Has someone told Alonzo that there are easier ways to catch fish?
Cut to a better camera angle of Alonzo. Bess comes into view as she walks towards him.
<Pause about 2 seconds after Ashley's line.>
Doug (low, mellow voice): What Alonzo doesn’t know is that we’ve secretly replaced his creekwater with Folger’s Crystals.
Cut to Bess sitting down.
Bess: You know, Alonzo, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that there was something going on between you and Julia.
<Ashley & Doug speak at the same time.>
Doug: The who what? Huh?
Ashley: Huh? Whuzzat?
Alonzo: What are you talking about?
Bess: I’ve seen the way you look at her across the campfire some nights.
Ashley: Pure lust.
-----
Alonzo: Julia doesn’t know exactly how to relax and let things happen.
Bess: That’s a shame.
Ashley: Yeah, bummer. Would you like to buy some Noxema?
Bess: You two really would make a cute couple.
Alonzo: Well, maybe I’m just not her type.
Bess: Alonzo, don’t be ridiculous. You’re every woman’s type!
Ashley: And a few of the men’s, as well.
Alonzo: Well, it’s for the best. I mean, over the years, I have’t had such a hot track record for sticking around, anyway.
Cut to Bess.
Ashley: Noxema close-up.
Bess: Well, it doesn’t look to me like you’re gonna be going anywhere any time soon.
Doug [Q]: Dear Bess: Thank you for reminding me that I’m stranded on an alien planet struggling every day for my very survival. Let me know if I can ever help you out in return. Love, Alonzo.
Julia: Dr. Julia Heller, coded file, personal research project.
Doug: Don’t do personal research projects on company time.
Julia: I’ve isolated pure strands of DNA from the ecenophone white cells of Ulysses Adair’s spinal fluid.
Ashley: And I will get an A on this project!
Julia: First dose: 2 cc’s. Attempting to inject the solution past the hypothalamus into the 3rd ventricle of my brain.
Doug: Well, then, I’m glad the DNA strands are pure, ‘cause you know what they say.
Ashley: Garbage in, garbage out.
Julia: The possibility exists of a hematoma or brain swelling,
Ashley [L]: Or certain death.
Julia: so I’m keeping the dosage low.
Julia snaps the vial onto the sedaderm.
Doug: Snap-on medical tools, for all your medical needs.
Julia sets the sedaderm down.
Ashley: Set it down...
Julia rests her hands on the table, then picks the sedaderm up.
Ashley: ...and pick it up again.
Julia injects the solution into herself. She then looks at the sedaderm in absolute horror.
Ashley: Damn! I missed!
<Pause about 2 seconds.>
Doug (low, mellow voice): What Julia doesn’t know is that we’ve secretly replaced her Terrian DNA with muddy creekwater.
Ulysses: Hurry, Mom, they’re gonna start without me!
Doug: We finally get an Adair topless and it’s the wrong one.
Devon: It just got dark, honey. They’re not gonna start without you.
Ulysses: Ow.
Devon: What’s the matter? I barely touched you.
Doug [L]: Suddenly, I can hear Julia’s thoughts in my head.
Ashley (robotically) [L]: Ask – Reilly – for transfer......Library books – not safe......Slip poison into Alonzo’s next treatment.
-----
Devon: There seems to be a needle mark in Uly’s back.
Julia: Yes? And?
Devon: Well, do you know anything about it?
Ashley: Yes. Your son’s on crack. Sorry.
Julia: Yes. I took spinal fluid to check for infection. Something wrong?
Devon: Yes. Yes. I find this very strange. First you tell me, what, it’s no big deal, I don’t need to be there, and then I find out that you’ve performed a somewhat unusual procedure.
Ashley: So I changed my mind.
Julia: Unusual? Are you a doctor, Devon?
Ashley: No, I just play one on TV. Oh, wait, that’s you.
-----
Cut to Danziger telling the spooky story by the fireside.
Doug [L]: They say that a man with only a hook for a hand-
Ashley [L]: Shush!
Doug [L]: Sorry.
-----
Danziger: Ten frozen solid crewmembers, all dead.
Doug: They were delicious.
Julia: Hi.
Alonzo: Hi.
Ashley: Hi.
Doug: Hi.
-----
Alonzo: You were talking to Bess, right?
Doug [L]: Yeah, she tried to sell me some Noxema, too.
Julia: No, I...I think I put a wall up between us and pushed you away, and, um...and I’m sorry.
Alonzo: You are. For what?
Ashley [L]: She just said for what! Is he not listening?
Julia: I don’t know! I just, um, I don’t know. Not feeling courageous enough, maybe.
Ashley: To tell you about the library books.
Julia: Alonzo, you frighten me a bit.
Alonzo: I do?
Doug: Don’t take it personally. Small animals frighten, her, also.
Julia: I don’t want to feel things for you that you don’t feel for me. I don’t want you to break my heart!
<Pause about 5 seconds.>
Alonzo squares his shoulders and his eyes smolder with that Latin passion.
<Doug & Ashley raise their right hands up as fists, as if about to pull slightly on an invisible cord.>
Doug & Ashley: Soap opera mode – ACTIVATE!
Alonzo: I’m not gonna break your heart.
Alonzo and Julia kiss.
<Doug & Ashley applaud.>
Doug & Ashley: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Yahoooo!
Ashley: Now find his off switch. It’s somewhere in the back.
Doug: Oh, is that where it is.
Cut to the next morning.
Doug: This is what G889 looks like after a wild party.
Ashley: Either that or that man with the hook for a hand came by.
Alonzo walks and stops, looking up briefly.
Doug: Hey, wow, what’s that up there? Is that a bird’s nest?
Alonzo walks on.
Doug: Ah, never mind.
The tent appears on camera.
Ashley: On the outside of the tent: no words are stencilled anywhere.
Alonzo: Julia?
Doug: I’ve come for the library books.
Alonzo enters the tent. Cut to the inside of the tent.
Ashley: Inside the tent: words are stencilled on the outside.
Doug: He teleported.
Ashley: But his superpower is super strength, not teleportation.
Doug: Oh, well, then we have two continuity errors, don’t we?
Alonzo: Are you okay?
Julia: Yeah. What’s the matter.
Alonzo: I was, uh, thinking about you.
Julia: Why?
Doug: It’s your turn to make breakfast and we’re kinda hungry.
Alonzo: Have I done something wrong?
Ashley: Yeah. You got your creekwater in my Terrian DNA.
Julia: Um...um...I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Alonzo: I mean, last night, you...you came to my tent. Remember? And you were...different.
Doug: You took me back to my soap opera days.
Alonzo: And we...
Julia: We what?
Doug (glumly): We played X-Wing. I kicked your ass. It was glorious.
Alonzo: Don’t you remember anything?
Julia: I don’t, I’m sorry. I think I need to be alone for a minute.
Alonzo: You know, you’re a piece of work, you know that? You show up in my tent last night, then you just disappear? I don’t know what your story is, but I don’t want any part of it! I mean, say something! Anything!
Doug: He just said he didn’t want any part of her story!
Ashley: He can’t make up his mind.
Alonzo: Forget it!
Alonzo leaves. Cut to Julia sitting on the bed.
Doug: Of course, if she continues taking the Terrian DNA, the others will get a clue when her skin turns rough and brown and she starts trilling.
Ashley: Either that or she starts talking like an 8-year-old boy and practicing ju-jitsu.
Doug: Right.
Julia: Effects of DNA transfer appear to be taking hold. Experienced extreme alertness and hypersensitivity. Unexpected side-effect: short-term memory loss.
Ashley: And horniness.
Julia: Probably the result of my metabolism adjusting.
Doug: Okay.
Julia: Increasing dosage to 8 cc’s.
Doug: Quadruple your dosage, quadruple your fun.
Julia: Anticipating accelerated metamorphosis and elimination of side-effect.
Julia holds up the sedaderm and looks at it intently.
Ashley: Wow. Birth control gets complicated in the 22nd century.
Cut to Julia in the forest.
Doug: This is your brain. This is your brain on alien DNA.
Ashley: Friends don’t let friends metamorphose.
Reilly: My, my. We have a bit of an edge, today.
Doug [L]: It’s my lucky day!
Julia: I think this is working. The DNA solution, my body’s accepting it much more readily than I expected. I’m experiencing some sort of transformation.
Doug [L]: I can’t keep up with all the sexual innuendo.
Ashley [L]: Probably a good thing.
-----
Julia: My sensory perception is razor sharp.
Ashley [L]: So is my sense of sound judgment.
Julia: I feel amazing clarity and focus.
Reilly: Really?
Julia: Yeah.
Reilly: From here, it appears as though you’re going through some sort of early toxic reaction.
Doug: Like I said, it’s my lucky day!
-----
Cut to True playing in the snow.
Doug (deep, mellow voice): What True doesn’t realize is that we’ve replaced her snow with Terrian DNA.
True hears Julia and begins to crawl up the hillside.
Ashley: This is all part of True’s Girl Scout Citizenship merit badge: Colonise an alien planet and uncover a government spy.
Julia comes into view. She’s talking on gear.
Doug: Julia’s playing charades with some Grendlers.
Reilly: I’m worried for you, Julia. I think that your judgment may be impaired.
Doug [Q] [L]: Why choose that handsome flyboy when you can have me?
Reilly: Perhaps I should- What?
Julia (whispering): Something’s touching me.
Doug (whispering): I feel it, too.
Reilly: What do you mean?
Julia: I’m not alone. I feel a hand on me.
Doug: Oh, that’s me. Sorry.
Julia exits VR to find a Terrian standing behind her.
Doug (odd voice): Why choose that handsome flyboy when you can have me?
The Terrian touches Julia’s face.
Doug: You know he’ll never treat you as well as I will, babycakes.
Julia: I don’t believe it! It’s working!
Ashley: It’s my lucky day, too!
Julia: You know me. You can sense the change in me. Are we alike? Have you come to tell me something? What have you come to tell me?
The Terrian screeches.
Doug [L]: Today’s winning lottery numbers are: 4, 11, 18, 21, 29, and 32.
The Terrian drops into the ground. Cut to True, then cut to Julia. Zoom on Julia.
Ashley: I have a date for the prom! Yes! Yes!
Julia: The Terrian sensed the change in me. It knew I was on the road to becoming one with him.
Doug (singing): On the road again.
Julia: The transformation wasn’t complete, and the reason was obvious. I hadn’t consumed a large enough an injection.
Doug: Okay.
Julia: I must take a third dose of Uly’s DNA immediately before the second completely wears off.
Ashley [L]: You know, most superheroes get their powers accidentally.
Julia: Oh, these people. If they only knew what was happening in their midst, the strides I was making for science. Who could I...who could understand?
Julia sees Morgan, then walks away.
Doug: So Julia takes one more dose and turns into the Easter Bunny.
Ashley: I don’t recall that plot line.
Doug: It was in the original version.
Cut to a time-accelerated shot of the sky.
Ashley: Boy, the sun’s really bookin’.
Morgan: Yale’s activitieeeeeeeees....
Doug & Ashley: Yale’s activitieeeeeeeees......
Julia: Morgan?
Morgan: What? Yes, come in. No violent tendencies yet observed.
Doug & Ashley: Foreshadowing! Foreshadowing!
Julia: Morgan, I need to speak with you.
Morgan: Well, I’m kind of in the middle of something right now.
Doug [L]: A bottle of scotch.
Julia: Morgan, I have something so exciting to tell you, you’re gonna wanna hear it. But I don’t want to say it here in case Bess walks in, okay?
Morgan: Oh, that’s okay, Bess and I don’t keep secrets from each other.
Doug [L]: At least not since she found my porn.
Julia: Morgan, we all have secrets. This is a secret you’re not gonna wanna tell anyone. Believe me.
Doug & Ashley (singing): Secret, secret. I’ve got a secret.
Cut to Julia and Morgan walking through the woods.
Doug: They say that a man with a hook for a hand lives in these-
Ashley: Enough.
Morgan: Julia, I think we’re getting a little far from camp. I mean, we’re out of earshot.
Doug: I don’t know, Morgan. She’s a screamer.
-----
Julia: I have something very extraordinary to tell you. Something very wonderful.
Ashley: I’m pregnant and it’s yours.
Julia: It’s a bit frightening. Are you a believer?
Doug: This is how the Jehovah’s Witnesses try to convert people in the 22nd century.
Morgan: A believer...in what?
Julia: In our future.
Morgan: Well, I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about that.
Julia: Morgan, Morgan, they’re coming. They’re coming soon, don’t you think?
Ashley: Yep. Jehovah’s Witness.
Morgan: Who’s coming?
Julia: The Council.
Morgan: The Council? The Council?
Ashley: No, a council.
Morgan: That’s impossible!
Julia: I’ve been communicating with them, through an operative named Reilly.
Morgan: Julia, are you telling me you’re a spy? You’re a spy for the Council?
Ashley [L]: No! I’m just the secretary.
Morgan: Julia, those people can do terrible things!
Julia: They’re gonna come and they’re gonna settle this planet. They’re gonna bring millions of people.
Ashley: Into my chest, apparently. (Referring to Julia’s arm movements.)
Julia: And I’m helping them. I found the key.
Doug (low, grand voice): I am the keymaster. Are you the gatekeeper?
Julia: I found the bridge.
Morgan: Bridge? What bridge?
Julia: It’s me.
Ashley (spoken, not sung) [Q]: Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
Julia: I’ve taken some of Uly’s DNA. I’ve been injecting it in me. Uly is the link to the Terrians. It’s in his blood, you see, and it’s now in mine.
Doug: I thought the Council was in her blood.
Ashley [L]: I guess her blood’s getting crowded.
Morgan: I see.
Julia: I am changing. I am going through an evolutionary transformation, Morgan. This is gonna help us colonize this planet. I mean, it could be the beginning of a whole new kind of human life.
Ashley [L]: Or it could mean our complete destruction. It’s really a coin toss.
Julia: But I need you to help me, because I don’t really trust Reilly.
Doug: Reilly: Ace of Spies.
Julia: So I need you to help me do this. You, you can report and document what I’m doing.
Ashley [L]: You’re proficient in MS Word and Excel.
Julia: Then you and I can go-
Morgan: Listen, Julia, Julia, I’m really very flattered that you chose to confide in me, and, and your little experiment sounds very intriguing.
Julia: Morgan, listen to me. I need you to understand how powerful this is.
Doug: Your breath?
Julia: How important to all of us. Think of all the good that can be done. Think of how many lives will be changed by this.
Julia tears Morgan’s jacket.
Ashley: So she’s the one who gets super strength.
Doug: I guess Alonzo does have teleportation.
Morgan: I think that we should probably tell everyone about this. You know, we are a group, after all, through thick and thin.
Ashley [L]: Okay. Can we tell them about your geolock box, too?
Morgan: And, um, I think that Devon would probably be very interested-
Julia: Morgan! I don’t think we can do that! Morgan!
Julia tackles Morgan.
Doug: And after carefully considering his fellow contestants – Alonzo, Reilly, and the Terrian – this week’s lucky winner of The Dating Game is Morgan!
Julia renders Morgan unconscious.
Ashley: Actually, he seems like the unlucky winner, to me.
The camera slowly zooms on Julia while Julia looks around in slow motion.
Doug: See? A psychopath does live in these woods!
Ashley: Where’s her hook?
Doug: Don’t quibble.
The scene goes dark, then opens onto morning, showing a hillside.
After about 2 seconds the camera pans quickly left.
Doug & Ashley (timing with the camera movement): Aaaaaaaaaaand...wheeeee!
Yale: We will find him, Bess. Now that we have some light.
Doug: He owes me money.
Bess: We’ve been looking for him all night, Yale. It’s not like him. He wouldn’t stay out like this. Morgan wouldn’t do that.
Ashley: Because I know there’s not a strip club in a million miles he could go to.
Devon and Danziger drive up in the dunerail.
Bess: Did you guys find anything?
Doug: Oh. Were we supposed to be out looking for someone?
Danziger: Well, none of the vehicles were moved during the night, so he couldn’t have gotten far. Everybody’s out looking for him.
Devon: Bess, Bess, there’s no reason to think he’s been hurt.
Ashley [L]: Um, there’s actually every reason to think he’s been hurt.
Devon: By all indications, we are alone, here.
Danziger: Anybody seen Julia this morning?
Devon: She’s not with the others?
Danziger: I didn’t see her.
Doug: ‘Course, considering what you and I were doing out there, I wasn’t exactly looking for her, either.
Devon stalks off.
Devon: Julia? Julia!
Ashley: It’s your turn to cook breakfast, again!
Julia: Yes?
Devon: We’re looking for Morgan. He’s missing. Have you seen him?
Julia: No, I haven’t. He’s not here.
Ashley [Q]: He’s not under the bed. Don’t look there.
Devon: I can see that. Are you okay?
Julia: Yes. I fell asleep at the table.
Ashley [Q]: I was playing Party Poker all night long. I’m so wasted.
Julia: I’m tired. I haven’t seen Morgan.
Doug (emulating McCoy from Star Trek): Dammit, Devon, I’m a doctor, not a babysitter.
Devon: Okay.
Julia looks like hell.
Doug (singing): Oh, it must have been a party.
Julia lies down, pulls the fabric out of her pocket, and looks at it, then looks troubled.
Ashley: The scrap of cloth tells me that it was Dr. Heller, in the library, with the candlestick.
-----
Julia: Did you hear what I said?
Doug: No. Repeat it, please.
Julia: Morgan Martin is missing! I did something to him!
Doug: Thanks. Got it.
True stops the ATV and gets out.
Ashley: Citizenship merit badge, here I come!
Reilly: It’s time to tell me where you are. The situation has obviously gotten out of your control.
Julia: I’m gonna handle it. I’ll handle it.
True puts on her gear set.
Doug: Nancy Drew in the 22nd century.
Ashley: So would that make her Nancy True?
Doug [L]: Oooooh.
Reilly: Julia, give me your coordinates. I can help you if I know where you are. Where is Eden Project?
Julia: I’m not gonna tell you that!
Reilly: Someone is in here!
Doug: It’s me!
Ashley: It’s me!
Reilly: There.
Doug: Over here.
Ashley: Over here.
Julia: True? What are you doing in here?
Ashley: Being precocious.
Doug: Busting your butt.
Ashley: The usual.
True: Nothing!
Reilly: Get her! Get her!
Doug: You know, Reilly really needs to work on his people skills.
Julia: Don’t be scared. It’s okay.
Ashley: Please ignore the fact that that man was telling me to get you.
Julia: Don’t be scared. I just want to talk to you. Hold on, True. Wait. Just tell me what you saw in there. True!
Ashley (singing): I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
<Pause about 2 seconds.>
Doug: Oh, oh, oh. I’ve seen this part. This is the part where a 10-year-old girl outruns a supremely fit, genetically enhanced grown woman.
Ashley: Yeah.
Julia: True, stop!
Julia runs after the ATV.
Ashley: Lindsay Wagner would have caught her by now.
Doug (making slow-motion The Bionic Woman sound effects): Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
<As Julia tries to grab ahold of the ATV, Ashley begins speaking. The latter half of this line of dialog will coincide with Julia getting up off the ground with dirt on her clothes.>
Ashley: After a hard day of spying on your group and terrorizing children, you know you’re still okay, because Tide will get the dirt out.
The ATV pulls into camp. The camera shows the camp from the ATV’s point of view.
Doug: ATV cam.
True: Daddy! Daddy!
Ashley: You were right! A phsycho lives in these woods!
True: Daddy, help!
Danziger: What?
Doug [L]: You interrupted the only line of dialog Mazatl was ever going to have.
-----
Danziger: You’ve been playing in VR again, haven’t you?
True: No, she was!
Ashley: She was playing X-Wing! Alonzo beat her the last time and it pissed her off.
-----
True: You did it the other day, too. Behind the rocks where no one could see you.
Ashley [L]: Yeah, but True, we all do things behind the rocks where no one can see us.
-----
Bess: I believe you, True.
Doug: What Bess doesn’t know is that the sedaderm was set to Kill, so we just lost a cast member.
Ashley: Oops.
Danziger carries Julia into the med tent.
Bess: I always hate to listen because it’s personal, but...
Doug: Funny. I’d hate to listen just because it’s Morgan.
Danziger, Bess and Devon all listen to the gear set attentively.
Ashley: Hey, they can pick up NPR out here.
Cut to Yale.
Doug: I’m finally getting some face time this episode.
Danziger: Why would Julia want to hurt Morgan?
Ashley: Besides the obvious?
Yale: According to her digitized medical logs, she wanted to confide in him. She had discovered someone she thought would be sympathetic.
Devon: What discovery?
Yale: Julia has been taking small doses of Uly’s DNA into her own system.
Doug [L]: Did Yale just speed-read all of this?
Ashley [L]: Well, he does have that computer chip.
Doug [L]: Oh, yeah.
-----
Yale: We might be able to jog her memory by giving her another dose.
Doug [L]: Or by knocking her upside the head.
Ashley [L]: Or by dragging her behind the TransRover for a few days.
Doug [L]: Or by making her accept a role in Armageddon.
Ashley [L]: Oh, that was too cruel!
Devon: Well, let’s do it. I want to know what’s going on in there.
Cut to Julia lying on the cot, then cut to Devon, Danziger, Bess and Yale debating.
<Doug & Ashley speak at the same time, quietly mimicking the 4 actors as they debate.>
Doug: I like pepperoni. No onion.
Ashley: Sausage, with thick crust.
Julia slides off the bed and under the tent. Cut to the outside of the tent as Julia emerges.
Doug (singing): Just slip out the back, Jack.
Ashley (singing): Make a new plan, Stan.
Doug (singing): No need to be coy, Roy.
Doug & Ashley (singing): Just get yourself free.
Julia runs off into the woods.
Julia: Morgan? Morgan?
Doug: Bueller? Bueller?
Julia: I could swear I left you right here!
Ashley [L]: Well, those Morgans have a tendency to wander off if they’re not kept on a leash.
-----
Devon: Julia, I know about your DNA experiment. I know that you’ve been in contact with someone.
Ashley [L]: I know the average flying distance of an unladen swallow.
-----
Devon: Who did True see you talking to in VR?
Ashley [Q]: The director. He says you’re fired.
Julia: Devon, did you really think that if this was the only habitable planet, that you would be the only one interested in it?
Ashley: Yeah.
Julia: It’s not your planet! You’re not God, here!
Doug: She was God at the beginning of the episode.
Ashley: Yeah, but the director just fired her. Remember?
Doug: Oh, yeah.
-----
Julia grabs Devon and they both tumble down the hillside.
Doug: YES! This is now officially the best Earth 2 episode ever!
Ashley: Oh, my.
Julia hits Devon.
Doug: Oh, yes! More of this!
<Ashley shakes her head.>
Julia: Everybody wants something from me! You! Reilly!
Ashley: George.
Julia: I’m not gonna be controlled! Do you understand?
Devon: Stop it!
Doug: Okay, we need more mud and less clothing.
Ashley: It was broadcast early Sunday evenings. They won’t do that.
Doug: And yet, I keep hoping.
Julia kicks Devon over the cliff. Devon falls.
Julia runs to the edge of the cliff and looks down in horror.
Ashley: Don’t worry. This is where Spock saves her in the rocket boots.
Devon: Let’s try this again. Only this time, let’s get some answers.
Doug [Q] [L]: Let’s try that blue-screen fall again. Only this time, wave your arms from side to side.
Cut to Julia sitting up suddenly. Cut to another angle of Julia as Danziger approaches.
Ashley: I am Julia of Borg. Prepare to be examined.
-----
Bess: What the hell did you do with my husband? Where is my husband?
Doug [L] [Q]: Devon just told you where he is.
Ashley [L] [Q]: Nicole didn’t write this episode. He’ll be okay.
Bess: Where is he?
Danziger: Let’s go find him.
Yale: Who’s she working for?
Devon: I don’t know. Things got out of hand in there before I could find anything out.
Doug: Translation: she kicked your ass.
-----
Yale: Don’t make this any harder!
Doug: This is hurting us more than it’s hurting you.
Devon: Julia, Julia, we have already gone through everything you own.
Julia turns to look at her in alarm.
Ashley [L]: You found the Playgirls?
Devon: Now please, tell us, who have you been communicating with?
Yale: You can trust us, Julia. Tell us – who’s out there?
Ashley (whispering): The truth is out there.
Julia doesn’t talk, but breathes hard.
Doug: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Aaaaaaaand relax.
Devon: She’s not gonna talk, Yale.
Devon and Yale leave. Cut to Julia, who sees Alonzo. Cut to a close-up of Alonzo.
Ashley: Next, on General Hospital: Jagger leaves Karen to colonise an alien planet.
Alonzo shakes his head and leaves.
Doug (deep, mellow voice): So the efforts of Jimmy Carter and Jesse Jackson have failed. Julia’s insides are now toast. We now rejoin our regularly scheduled programming. I’m Tom Brokaw.
Julia: I am Doctor Julia Heller.
Ashley: Okay.
Julia: Physician to the Eden Project.
Doug: Uh huh.
Julia: Patriot to the Council.
Ashley: Patriot. Noted.
Julia: Since we crashed on this planet, a war has raged inside me between my two allegiances.
Doug: Gotcha.
Julia: I gave in out of fear and curiosity.
Ashley: I was on The Dating Game.
Julia: I have done things I shouldn’t have.
Ashley: I stole library books.
Julia: I saw my dark side, and it was more frightening than I ever imagined.
Ashley: I mated with a Grendler, and I loved every minute of it.
-----
Cut to Julia waking up in her tent.
Doug: Council agents gone bad. Next on Jerry Springer.
Julia sits up. Cut to a wider view of the inside of the tent.
Ashley: And she wakes up and it was all a dream.
Doug: Notice how Reilly completely forgets everything that happened. He never asks Julia in the next episode who was touching her, whether they found Morgan, what became of True, or what was the result of her experiments.
Ashley: That’s because Reilly’s an AI running on Windows NT.
Julia exits the tent.
Ashley: She just thinks she’s alone.
Doug: Ashton Kutcher jumps out of the trees and yells, "You been Punk’d!"
Cut to the wide shot, which slowly zooms back.
Doug & Ashley (singing): I think I’m alone, now. There doesn’t seem to be anyone else around. I think I’m alone, now. The beating of my heart is the only sound. (Spoken) Thump-thump; thump-thump; thump-thump; thump-thump.
Cut to Eden Advance traveling.
Voice of Devon: We are the Eden Project.
Doug: Hey, they switched narrators on us.
-----
Voice of Devon: For the first time, we travel with one less person in our group.
Ashley: I thought she got fired.
-----
Yale: She experimented on your son! She tried to kill you!
Doug: She nagged.
Yale: We never found her communication device. We’d never know if we were being monitored.
Devon: How is she going to survive without us with her, Yale?
Doug: We left her a can of Vienna Sausages and a pocket knife. She’s fine.
Yale: She’ll find a way.
Doug: Besides, her name’s still in the opening credits. So we know she’ll be back.
Devon walks past the camera.
Ashley: Get my face in profile for one more second – there we go.
The camera pans back around and the TransRover comes into view.
Doug: The TransRover picks up 5,000 channels.
Ashley: And none of them are any good.
Doug: Nice view.
Ashley: Yeah, that hill in the distance is pretty.
Doug: Oh. Yeah, that too.
Ashley: All right. Let’s get outta here.
The End